my grandpa died last night. i am glad he let go of the suffering he had been feeling for so long and hope he is now at peace and continuing on his path. he has been in my daily thoughts for quite some time now, my wishing for him to have the strength to be able to move on, let go of his attachment to this life, his pain and suffering. Finally last night he was able to do so although, it was with a good deal of fight. My mom called right after to tell me he had died. Funny, I had wanted him to have this freedom for so long and it was still very difficult to hear, my clinging to my idea of him. I have spent a good proportion of today trying to communicate to him, encourage him, comfort him through the bardos he must face. I wish I was able to do more to ensure that he finds a suitable birth. But is that relevant if its not his belief system? Should I be encouraging him in a Christian way since that was his religion? Encouraging him to go to heaven? Spirituality is so complex. But what is important is that he finds peace and does not suffer a minute longer. All of the rest is just interpretation, right?
He was my friend. I love him dearly. He was one of the only truly sane members of my larger family. During my childhood I could always count on him to be there and that was enough. His aura, so pure and kind. Id spend hours just sitting with him at his kitchen table watching the squirrels outside eating the food he would sit out for them. Often in complete silence. He was one of the only people who I even felt comfortable with, back then, sitting with in silence. His energy was calming, peaceful, it spoke volumes.
He was funny. Funny in a goofy way, I guess similar to myself. A couple of his jokes I have always got a kick out of are as follows:
when i was really young he use to drink this beer called haams. every time anyone would go over to his house, for years he hadnt even drank it, and he would say when you would walk in, "want a ham sandwich?" ya, corny. but i liked it. the last time i saw him, about 7 mo ago, he was talking to my nephew and he had a popsicle, my grandpa said to him, is that too cold? should we warm it up? I got the biggest kick out of that. I told it to a friend and she thought it was kinda dumb. But I loved it. It may have to do with the way he would say these things, completely serious acting, dead pan. His sense of humor was wonderful to me, he was always able to make me laugh. Now, thinking about it, makes me smile. I love my grandpa and hope he has finally found some peace after struggling for so long.
This evening, oddly enough, I witnessed birth. One of my fish had 5 babies! It is kinda odd how I lost my grandpa and in less than 24hrs I was blessed with the birth of new beings. I will name them after him. I cant help but think he had something to do with their birth. thanks grandpa, i love you.
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Marileee this is such a beautiful post ..about your dearly departed Grandfather. I see my partners Mother with her Grandchildren and she has so much time energy and patience that she lovingly gives to them. She truly is a wonderful mother and grandparent and I know that when she is gone they will remember her with a lot of love. My own grandparents were all dead by the time I was 7 so I have no memories of them at all unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteInteresting what you said about your fish - I didnt know that fish just could have 5 babies just like that. Did they lay eggs in the bottom of the tank and then maybe they just hatched. you can tell I never have had fish as pets. Our house has always been the home of many dogs and cats though and they brought so much pleasure in an otherwise fairly austere household.
Aine
Thanks. Yes, I will always hold very fond memories of my grandpa within my heart. I am sorry to hear that yours died when you were too young to really remember them. It is a very special gift.
ReplyDeleteAbout the fish, some fish, live breeders just have them. I have guppies and mollies and these guys do just have them. However, 5 is a very small number of fish to have. I am unsure why she didn't have more that that. For example, another fish just had about 40 babies a few days ago! But, regardless, it was a special gift as well that she had them on that very day of sadness.
Dogs and cats are more exciting than fish in general Id say. I am not the most social individual so all of my animals are very important to my sanity. If I had a zillion dogs it might be a bit out of control, thats probably why I have the fish too, they are more manageable.
Well, fish are very peaceful to watch and the sound of the water is quite soothing. SO these are other reasons for keeping them. One day I would like to get a saltwater tank, but I dont think I am that good of a fish keeper to go that route for awhile. I tend to kill a lot of them on accident unfortunately. Perhaps some day.